How Could I Not Apply?
A pastor reflects on the Women Touched by Grace SPE Program
It was right there, in an advertisement in The Christian Century : a Benedictine retreat center in Beech Grove , Indiana , was taking applications for “Women Touched by Grace,” a spiritual renewal program for women pastors. With support from Lilly Endowment Inc., the Benedict Inn Retreat and Conference Center was going to draw upon the very best Christian spiritual traditions to strengthen clergywomen as spiritual leaders in their congregations.
I could hardly believe my eyes. Imagine, I thought: gathering seven times over four years with 29 other clergywomen from all over North America . Twenty-nine women like me, pastors struggling so hard to live out the vocation of ordination in our times and places. They would understand….the loneliness, the conflicts, the financial worry. And they would be safe: safe to share stories and fears with. Safe to share feelings of doubt and inadequacy. Safe to joke with and let go a little. Who knows? Friendships might even be birthed.
These 30 women would also participate in the Benedictine prayer life. Guest facilitators would provide solid teaching. Each would be assigned a spiritual director, sharing her own rhythm of prayer and the spiritual traditions guiding her life. This would be such an incredible opportunity, I thought, one that was never included in my liberal seminary experience. How could I not apply?
The application process was long. Some people, learning of my interest, grilled me with questions. “Isn't that a big commitment for four years with people you don't know?” “What if you don't like it?” “You're already overloaded, why take on so more?” Yet, everyone celebrated with me when I received the letter saying I had been selected. I was one of 30 pastors chosen out of 151 applications. That's 5 to 1 odds. That's a lot of hunger just like mine. I was profoundly grateful, incredulous and eager to begin.
Today, with five of the seven sessions now completed, I look back on an amazing experience. Just five days before our first session in November 2003, my father died unexpectedly. I arrived in Indiana in raw grief, tears ready to flow at the slightest provocation. How would I ever survive? But the sisters who met me at the airport embraced me with such warmth that I felt instantly at home. I was puzzled. How could this be? I didn't even know these people, yet here I was--loved, supported and understood. Only God could bring about such a reality.
The same warmth that greeted me at the airport only intensified when I arrived at the monastery, and it flowed over our entire group. Each time we gathered together, session after session, the bonding and sharing, the weeping and learning, the resolving and committing deepened. One facilitator who spoke to us about developing a healthy spiritual life of our own and in our congregations was so extraordinary that we have invited her back every session to continue the dialogue. Only one facilitator seemed less than stellar, yet she was an unexpected gift. She galvanized us as perhaps no one else could. Suddenly we were confronted by a very loud nay-sayer to all whom we had become. We rose together, realizing just how much we had come to know one another, care about our program and stand up for ourselves, very much active agents of our own destiny. We would not be dismissed nor put down. It was a learning experience like no other, a moment very much “Touched by Grace.”
In addition to meeting as a large group, with learning experiences that stretched and enriched us, we were also divided into “Covenant” groups of five members each and we were assigned the holy task of lectio divina on experiences in our lives. The four other women in my group are now a unique support to me through email, phone calls and letters. One used her vacation to visit my northern home on the Canadian prairies in Saskatoon , Saskatchewan . I journeyed early to one session, stopping over to spend a little extra time with one of the women in my group. We then journeyed together to our session. My esteem for both women continues to grow.
For one session, our small group was assigned to plan and conduct a worship service and a blessing of departure for the whole group. It was a privileged experience. We were capable women doing well together, relying on each other to make preparations while thousands of miles apart, and taking care of a multitude of last minute details. To be able to work with such gifted peers comes very rarely in our lives. If only the Church could do that throughout our many denominations.
Meanwhile, the “Women Touched by Grace” program is set up to ensure that its impact reaches well beyond the 30 pastors. Throughout the four years, each participant is required to form a support team in her local congregation. After each session, each pastor meets with her support team to share what she has learned and works with them to discern how to share the spiritual practices and other learnings with the congregation.
Some program participants have not always had good experiences with their support team for a variety of reasons, such as moving, personality clashes, or illnesses. But I continue to be enriched by mine. Almost immediately after each session, when I arrive home, the team members gather eagerly. I quickly learned to get my photographs developed and mounted as soon as possible.
To share our new learning throughout the congregation, we always hold a church-wide event for everyone to hear about the latest session, and my support team and I share leadership in our Lenten worship services to highlight the most recent session's learning. One year, for example, we did a series on spiritual heroes, including John Cassian (360-435)—an Eastern Christian monk who brought monasticism to the West--and other early Church leaders mentioned regularly in our sessions. Another Lenten series was on Benedictine values. Still another was on “Conversations with Jesus,” based on the sessions presented by the Rev. Margaret Guenther, a New York Episcopal priest, author and spiritual director. This year, after I shared what I had learned about prayer, the support team conducted a prayer survey of our congregation. Now, they are planning the first of what they hope will be a yearly prayer retreat for the congregation.
Congregation members respond in various ways to my experiences. A very few think the program aspires to convert me to Catholicism, hence all this increased emphasis on prayer and people long dead besides Luther and Jesus. Most, however, sense a freshness and excitement about the spiritual life and tell me or my support team how they too are growing in the life of the Spirit. Our annual women's canoe retreat spent one summer learning about Benedict. Our church library has grown with new books requested by my support team and the Christian Education Committee and purchased from “my” monastery down in Indiana . More than a few members are talking about renovating our narthex to reflect a more “spiritual” atmosphere.
The Women Touched by Grace program ripples outward in ever new ways. I and my support team and all the clergywomen already lament that the end of the program is in sight, with the final gathering scheduled for this fall. How can we sustain the excellence now begun? Plans are afoot. But mostly, 30 excellent clergywomen and their congregations are praying for a way to carry this miracle onward.
The Rev. Betty Lynn Schwab is in ministry with Meewasin Valley United Church, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. For more information on the Women Touched by Grace SPE program visit the Benedict Inn Retreat and Conference Center.
